We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
