The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
