I wanna bring you to show and tell
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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