shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
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I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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