I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
no, he came in my armpit
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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