I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
