actually, I'm a sock model
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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