Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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