Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
