Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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