Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
