Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
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If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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