Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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