just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
