Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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