This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
