last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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