lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
