Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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