I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
