i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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