I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
