I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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