How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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