remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
