You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
