making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
