Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I would ride that face into the sunset
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
