You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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