I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
