The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
