Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
