im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
