I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
