Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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