Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
