WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
