If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
