I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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