Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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