Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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