My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
