Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize