Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I did not marry a roomba.
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