I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
