Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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