No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
