My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
