My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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