I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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