FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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