i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
