New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
