tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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