I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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