I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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