a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
